And then I knew…

You don’t find love

You create it

within yourself

till it overflows

and falls around you

pushing everything

to pick it up

and give it back

like you create it

so tenderly 

so knowingly

incessantly

There are stories

My stomach walls

are flooded with tears

I am full

starved of love, laughter and sex

There is nothing to be said after

Story story story

Sorry

I mean it

For my stories

It was all true, you know?

The way it happened

The way I said it happened

But it hurts you,

My stories hurt you

because you 

want to be

my story

You, saviour

You, all

Me, nothing

without you

Me, yours

Was it the way I told it,  

that I told you,

or that it happened

with me

at the center of it all

being the villain,

cutting myself and losing pieces of me

stinging others and becoming them

trying to sew it back on

the pieces I lost

like a hero

flesh to flesh

blood dripping

scars forming

memories jammed

as I call your name

asking you to stay

when you had already left

not giving a fuck about my story

the way it happened

the way I said it happened

Screen

I thought maybe

I should tell you that

these days

nothing is okay

unless

DELETE

I wanted to tell you

that you have become

DELETE

Hello

DELETE

Hey, I

DELETE

it’s been a while

just checking in

I miss you

Is everything okay?

DELETE

I saw your picture on Instagram today

You look good, happy

Take care

SENT

Hey sup

I was thinking about you the other time

Yeah, took that photo at Winneba, thanks

Will be going back there next week

you good?

DELETE

Yeah, thanks

SENT

I thought maybe

I should tell you that

these days

nothing is okay

unless

DELETE 

Lessmaa

Every now and then

I remember to give  

my mother a hug

to ask her how she is doing

how she feels

what she wants

I try to match the attention

and love she gives me everyday  

I buy her gifts

not for her birthday

not for mother’s day

just because I thought about her

when I entered the store

Every now and then

I see her unconditional love

and question mine

because every time I have said she is awesome

It’s been right after she’s fed me

picked up my call in the middle of the night

lent me some money

told me my shoe size when I had forgotten

forced me to drink herbs that took away my cold

Every now and then I wish

I wouldn’t forget

that she is human too

with fears and dreams and flaws and favourite colours— 

I don’t know my mother’s favourite colour

Does my mother have a favourite colour?

Every now and then if

I would look into mama’s eyes

and tell her

don’t make your entire life about me, about us— your children, your husband, your family

Live mama, live for you every now and then

chase your dreams every now and then

face your fears every now and then

forget about me every now and then

Live

Live mama

Live everyday

so when you die

You won’t be a tired ancestor  

watching over me

wishing you had wet your feet

in the deep blue sea

Wine

Days

when your heart wakes

without you

and goes to find trouble

hurts itself

and comes back

hides in your stomach

and coils around itself like a snake

pushes against your chest just like a storm

and beats, no end

till you cry

and beat, no end

when you stop

to breath hard

like nothing is enough

to let you be

one heart

without another

attached involved loved

pumping not for its own sake but

for her

for him

for them

Days

when your heart stops

and beats you hear

is only from your memory

how it used to

be, eat, fear

love, love, love

whole

gone.